Picked up sudafed pe for my sinus problems. Between that, my messy sleep schedule, etc., it's probably no wonder that I can't find anything right in front of my damned face. Cold, hot, tired, frustrated, hungry, etc....

It's been a bad week (yesterday sucked especially, thanks to my relatives). I would have started on putting the package out to send.... I should probably just ask what kind of stuff she wants.

Tried doing some work after I found a bunch of messages in my mailbox, but nothing came out of it. I don't even know what my brain wants. My dream hasn't been so good. Me avoiding something big, like before.

In some ways I think the break has helped me get settled, psyche-wise. I feel less of a pressure to be something I'm not, to try to not lie but also say the truth in a way that it will be accepted... and to admit defeat when I'm too prideful to admit wrong.

It's not even something I can see, since it's not like I'm behaving any better than before. The only clue I have is that I can talk and smile better now, which is not so significant a task to some, but easily missed by me.

My head is in terrible shape, though. Both me and my mom are fairly sick, and somehow my sinuses are doing so bad that not only in the frontal thinking area, but even my normal thinking (to me, 'middle' and 'back') has gone down. The only saving grace is inspiration, in which things still occur to me, even though I forget so many things and don't even know why I should do what anymore.

Haven't played any go since the day I watched, although I feel like I could now. Yesterday I felt like I couldn't, although I can't remember why too well. My stomach has been acting up slightly, so I'm trying to be careful with what I'm eating. Haven't been online too, because of my head.

( More meditations. )

Reading Hikaru no Go reminds me of a lot of things. How much I loved Go, and also how hard it was. How much I had to learn, and how I was getting there in my own way. In like an infinite structure, it's like... learning things one by one. Considering my current playing level in DJMP, which is pretty damned good now, and Puzzle Fighter, which I am /definitely/ not interested in ever playing tournament for...

Go might just be the next thing to get into. Although I'll need something to balance it out. Maybe literature.

Reading a fic reminded me of it. My way of learning the game was pretty unorthodox. People care about using the same terms, but to me that's too hard because I don't pick up picky terms too well. Besides, I'm used to describe what's going on without someone understanding too much.

Maybe I can try to get my mom to learn too.

It's easier for me to simply say that I read too much into people and assume too much of people than to go on about how people suck at giving the proper impression of what they want to express.

I expect too much thought behind words. There has to be an underlying motive to say anything at all, in certain situations. You have to control your tone of your voice, your delivery, word choice... You have to mean what you say and only say what you mean... and mean how you say it.

The more pressure a situation faces, the more I seem to expect that from people. It's easier for me to say that I have to learn how to take everything with a grain of salt...

But without emotional intent, words have no meaning.
I don't know... what to think.

Maybe when I'm not so sick, I'll be able to stop doing this so much.

My mind has been kinda messy. My sinuses are sometimes killing me... and I'm getting slightly nauseous... although I don't know if it's from a salt imbalance, sugar intake, ear problems, or what. My sense of taste is seriously off. My sense of smell, same thing.

( Read more... )