A long history of barbarism, prejudice, arrogance, and trauma-induced ignorance from ancient times up to now -- as one merely has to look outside of their window to see signs because we arrogantly cannot see it in ourselves: From where do the ideals of peace, love, cooperation, and understanding appear? Even these words hide the suffering and pain that are required to make these happen. But how do they begin? How does peace or understanding begin when each act of ourselves is justified in some manner or form?

The wealthy live in the misery that comes from the lack of true success. The middle class live in misery due to the promises of success that are given to them if they sacrifice their freedom and independence for it. The lower classes wallow in misery, the face of the trauma of these things cast on them. A trauma that lasts for generations, which cause people surprise, thinking themselves unto themselves only.

With the world as is it is, perhaps it is not surprising that we beat those we consider below us within the safety of our own homes, to stave off the hunger of humanity, even as we fear that accepting that we are terrible creatures would mean death. That our defensiveness against this death would cause other people to take up arms in defensiveness, as we deal traumatic blow after blow to each other. And yet, unable to heal, people look only to the past, seeing their own wounds and not the suffering of others, or the suffering that our suffering will cause to future generations.

On the contrary, it is an even greater miracle, that with so much despair propagating even greater amounts of despair, that happiness, or even the betterment of our lives, is possible.

On the subject of the poor, it is perhaps indicative of the level of consciousness we have that we would punish poverty for its wrongdoings as a child would punish a baby for its.* I do not think that any of our problems will ever be solved for as long as we are an immature people.

All decisions bring about death and suffering. What we do not know and only presume to know are when, where, and how these will appear. Which is better? Is acting in revenge, fear, or just desserts really better than alternatives? Do we even want a better life for ourselves and others? With all our justifiable distractions, it sure doesn't look that way.

There are hints within all of this as to how I think a better world might be possible... and what it might look like. And my fear is what keeps me from posting this in a more visible place.

*(The analogy only goes so far. All across the scale of wealth, we are filled with the bright, the trusting, the stilted, the prideful, and the senile. One can hardly call that demographic child-like or baby-like, much less say which is which. All these types make grave mistakes -- it's a matter of how difficult they are to learn from them.)

Was out of it today (got woken up to go with mom to doctor's). Rest of the day hid out in my room. By night, I was spending all my time converting files (I still have at least a hundred more to go -- see the post on my main for the e-reader conversion list and keep in mind it's even more tedious than that) when Vector-kun called.

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This week has been... moody. Definitely not a productive week. Remembering that I have stuff to do... and then... trying to do it. Yeah.

I'm finding out that this is why drawing is not my forte -- I don't draw like I write. Hell, writing is iffy for me as it is... I suppose I'm not the... creative type? Definitely not art major material, that's for sure. Maybe I'm just looking at it the wrong way, but I can't seem to draw anything other than something that caters to my mood... and my mood right now has a heavy-handed undertone.

It's likely that all creative aspects are tempered and encouraged by practice... which is also something I lack in great quantities.

I apparently dislike anything tasted mostly nasally. This is makes sense to me, since taste and smell is unusually separated for me, rather than how it seems linked to everyone else. I also apparently dislike artificial advertising scents -- the kind companies use to advertise their product, that is. The actual product's smell is fine, but the smell around it -- the "amplified" scent (which doesn't smell the same to me, but it is apparently meant to) -- drives me nuts.

Vanilla is the first on the list of nasal tastes. Vanilla has a taste, yes, which is mild, but the better vanilla is exactly the kind I don't like and has a smell-taste that feels intruding on my sinuses.

A sense of taste includes the roof of the mouth, the tip of the tongue, and even the back of the throat. And apparently the nasal passages too, which I'd it prefer not to. I am not sure if vinegar is one of those nasal tastes, since I have very little sensitivity to the taste of vinegar. Apparently it is close to sour, but I wouldn't know.

Sense of taste seems like a sense of touch to me, while a sense of smell seems more like a sense of sight. Sometimes recently, my sense of smell has been off and on. Sometimes better than usual (to the point of what it used to be like in high school or earlier), but sometimes terrible (sickness, I think). For me, though, it has never been that easy to smell someone's breath so much as smell something emanating off of them, like their skin or clothes.

As far as I can tell, people's smells can be categorized similar to looks (that is, in method of category and not a relation between them), but with a greater amount of prejudice attached. It's all rather educational, but not something you can ever talk about because people are surprisingly immature about it, now that I think about it.

More personal profiling.
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Now that I've had something in my stomach that's fairly nutritious yet easier to eat, I can continue to think. I've had more continuous sleep than I've had in a while, but the food was the topping on the cake.

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I'm kind of losing it. Thankfully, not in the instability sense. Just that the sleep deprivation and crazy sleep schedule is starting to take its toll on me -- I don't know when to sleep, or if tired is tired enough, or if someone is going to want me awake to pay attention to something...

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This is probably not the most appropriate place to write this. But I don't care.

I'm gonna make a fic rec post soon. I didn't lose all that sleep for nothing. It was worth it.

My connection keeps going up and down. It's ridiculous, but seems to be limited to my room. Or something. I'll find out later.

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心よ　朝のように　やさしく
体よ　昼のように　元気に
魂よ　晩のように　惜しまずに

どうか　夜よ　自分でなく　皆を守れ

もう一つの明日が　いつか来るように

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